What is it about my husband that makes chicks flock to him like a half-off shoe sale at Kohls?! Yes, he’s tall, dark, and handsome, and kind of looks like Vin Diesel if you squint a bit. But he’s also got on a wedding ring. I doubt that he is trying to flirt with other women; I trust him implicitly. However, it drives me NUTS that other females seem to find him irresistible.

With his crazy 3^rd shift schedule, he’s barely conscious when he’s awake during the daylight hours. This does not seem to deter anyone, however. Just the other day, he was in Wal-Mart looking for a microphone for his computer. He had just gotten up after sleeping most of the day away and was still groggy. He’d been in the electronics section for no more than five minutes when lo and behold, a Pretty Young Thing walks up to him and starts chattering away. He managed to hold a semi-coherent conversation with her before extricating himself from her clutches and running out the door.

Before the PYT in Wal-Mart, it was a female Sheriff’s deputy. She was at one of those roving DUI traffic stops that North Carolina conducts now and again. She checked him out…and then checked him out. She even suggested he might try to get a job working as a guard at the local prison (the Sheriff’s department is housed next door, BTW). And before that, it was another PYT at the same Wal-Mart! This one was a college student who insisted on following him around for awhile, despite the fact that his grocery cart had Capri Sun juice boxes in it. I mean, c’mon – if a guy is buying juice boxes, it’s a good bet he’s somebody’s dad.

Now, before you think I’m a paranoid, jealous wife (ok, maybe just a little of both), I swear to you – this happens sometimes when I am WITH him. We’ll be out at a restaurant, and the next thing I know, the waitress is flirting with him. Seriously, what the hell is that all about?! Excuuuuuse me, the man’s wife is sitting next to him; does this not count for something?

So, what is it about a married man that makes him so irresistible to other women? Is it the fact that he’s unattainable and therefore, poses a greater challenge? Does the fact that he’s married give the impression that he’d be a good provider (aka sugar daddy)? Do these women want no-strings fun with a married man?

I swear to God above, I’m about to tattoo “I am married” across BK’s forehead before I let him out in public alone. Or maybe I should do “Property of Siren…hands off!” across his butt (that might be more effective). Better yet, I think I’ll get a proximity alarm and attach it to one of those electronic anklets they issue house-arrest prisoners. If any woman not directly related to him gets too close, it could set off a warning siren followed by this audio message: “Please step away from the married man!” Hrm…maybe I’ll patent that idea.

Damn, I knew I should’ve married an ugly guy instead of a handsome one.

Disgruntled,

Siren